


There Will Be No Next Time

by trappedinssb



Series: Drabbles of the Bus [2]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Badass SHIELD Agents, Betrayal, Captain America: The Winter Soldier Spoilers, Coping, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fake Character Death, Gen, Medical Experimentation, Medical Trauma, Memory Alteration, Nightmares, Phil Needs a Hug, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Psychological Trauma, SHIELD 616 | The Bus
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-03
Updated: 2014-05-03
Packaged: 2018-01-21 17:30:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1558367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trappedinssb/pseuds/trappedinssb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Was it worth it? A question that’s been bothering him surfaces. Phil just looks out the window instead of answering it. It’s quiet and still, the dark of the night present in every moment of air. He blankly stares at the neon light, which is threatening to flicker off any second. </p><p>Everything you put before your life, every one of the people you killed in the name of SHIELD, for what?</p><p> </p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Doubts

**Author's Note:**

> This is set after episode 20, "Nothing personal". Major spoliers for CAtWS, AOS ep. 17-20.
> 
> Phil's promised major freak-out.  
> Will contain how the team copes with the situation, along with bits of Phillinda.

Phil remembers. The memories keep flooding back, him and Garret skipping the practice session just to piss Fury off, endless nights spent with Sitwell in the dark bunk, Ward being there to always watch his back. Phil laughs bitterly. All the good memories of him and his friends- no, just some strangers who were on a mission to decieve him- seem unreal at this point. He ponders and goes through the list of people he could trust his life with, someone whom he laid his life to protect them. He mentally erases the names, biting his lower lip as he does. When he’s done, the list is a lot shorter.

There is no more SHIELD. Phil knows that he has to accept this, because it is the truth. The only truth left that he can believe in. It is absolute and unchangeable. But he isn’t ready to give up, not just yet. He wants to see the truth himself, -really, does he? he’s not even sure himself - and then maybe he will start work on believing it. But not yet. Even if he’s the only one, he has to believe that there is something more to the name of SHIELD, all the works he did.

Was it worth it?

A question that’s been bothering him surfaces. Phil just looks out the window instead of answering it. It’s quiet and still, the dark of the night present in every moment of air. He blankly stares at the neon light, which is threatening to flicker off any second.

Everything you put before your life, every one of the people you killed in the name of SHIELD, for what?

SHIELD is the justice. The reliable system to protect this world from threats. He’s been reminded that sentence many times for last thirty years and for a long time actually believed in it. As it turns out, it wasn’t really reliable at all. Phil tastes the blood from his lips. He’s been living in the world that SHIELD defined as what they would like it to be. He knows that now.

He punches the wall furiously. He needs to release all this suffocating anger, but to whom? On HYDRA? On Fury? On himself? He lets out a strangled sob. Was the research of Tesseract, yearn for unlimited energy and power that strong, that they overlooked the cost thousands of innocent lives? Was the project TAHITI, gaining an ablilty to revive the dead, that important so that they defied the natural law? The rage in him soon turns into a cold dread. His knees buckle, giving out on him as he collapses to the floor. His senses become dull as he drifts into unconciousness. For a moment, he wishes that he died that day on the Hellicarrier, not knowing the fearful truth.

He closes his eyes. It has been a very long day.


	2. Direction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil decides what he should do next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please be aware that there are new tags added.

He knows Fury can’t be reached. He doesn’t want the answers anymore -he’s got enough- but he just wants to see the man. Fury feels like the only strong pillar left for Phil to lean on, and Phil’s desperate not to lose it. He smiles sadly to himself, looking in the mirror. Silly me. He knows too well the being sentimental never helps. Moving based on a sudden emotional urge is too dangerous, and he can’t afford any more threats than he already has to deal with right now.

He splashes cold water on his face. He slept through the night thankfully without so much trouble. He’s used to the nightmares now, so a little addition of Ward trying to kill the team wasn’t so surprising. He inhales sharply. Images of Ward shoving a knife into Skye’s throat hits him suddenly. He opens his eyes. Maybe he’s getting a bit thin, after all this. But he needs to focus and brace himself up. From now on, his team can’t rely on anything except himself.

He wipes his face with dry cloth and leave the bathroom, surprised to see Melinda sitting on the bed.

“Good morning. How did you sleep?”

Phil tries his best caring voice. Melinda, unfazed, just watches Phil leave the cloth on the table. He feels exposed when she’s looking at him like she knows that he’s hiding something. He proceeds to put on his shirt, buttoning up til the white collar is set on the place.

“Skye couldn’t sleep.”

Melinda finally speaks, in an uncharacteristically small voice. Phil flinches, but pretends he didn’t. It’s getting hard to surpress his emotions especially when he is so vulnerable and damaged.

“That’s not so surprising.”  
“Niether did FitzSimmons.”  
“I’m sure they’ll find a way to cope.”

She’s quiet again, going back to silently watching Phil’s every movement.

“Did you?”  
“Hmm?”  
“Did you find a way to cope?”

Phil just keeps rummaging through his small sack, trying to find some excuse to stop the conversation and leave the room. But being in a hurry when packing, it seems that he didn’t have much to spare a thought on something other than neccesities and weapons. After few moments, finally he gives up and raises his head from the sack.

“What kind of answer do you want from me, May?”  
“I want you to rest.”  
“I did. I slept enough last night.”  
“...It’s okay to just let it go, Phil.”  
“If I let it go, the team will fall apart.”  
“No, it won’t. They’re worried about you. We heard you, last night.”

He doesn’t know how to answer then, so he silently slumps onto the bed, next to Melinda. His memories are blurry, but he definitely remembers punching the wall. Or maybe he screamed in between nightmares. His temple starts throbbing. He doesn’t say anything when Melinda puts her hand on his left thigh.

“It’s okay to be angry and sad. We all are.”  
“We’re supposed to focus on the mission.”  
“There is no mission left, Phil.”  
“So what, just, go home? Go home and watch the HYDRA take over the world?”  
“We can’t do anything right now. No back-ups, not enough weapons or intels. Even if Fitz and Skye hack their way through the hard drive, going in there full with HYDRA is suicide.”  
“Are you telling me to give up?”  
“I’m asking you to see the logic, Phil!”

The heated voice immediately calms down as Melinda sighs. Phil wonders how she could do that, even in this situation. For a moment he remembers something in the back of his head, a snarky voice commenting on how robotic and unfazed he is at every situation. He sighs heavily. He’s been hesitant, knowing that it was the only good choice left for him to make. But he made up his mind now, because there was no way he’s giving up this fight.

“We’ll find some back-up, then. Pull a string here and there.”  
“And how can you tell that they’re not HYDRA? They could have infiltrated other agencies. Even if they aren’t you do realize that we’re FBI’s most wanted. They’re going to rat us out-”  
“Not him.”

Phil states firmly. After a second, Melinda realizes whom he means. She sighs and stands up.

“Then you better think of some good excuse before we get there. I don’t want to deal with Stark as it is, and annoyed and pissed Stark might be my last straw to start bombing up the streets.”


	3. Mission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They set out to find a sponsor.

The breakfast table is unusally quiet. Phil just munches through a burnt toast and downs it with bitter coffee. Skye’s been glancing his way from time to time, heavy bags under her eyes. She’s been pouring a lot more than suggested intake of coffee each day, so Phil guesses she’s trying hard to stay awake. He knows she’s going to tire herself until she passes out. He thinks about letting the team take another day off, but there are already possibilities that their place has been tracked by whoever’s on their tail. He hopes that they’re fast enough to get out of here before the enemy force arrive and make a mess; he likes this place. The pool is shining emerald green outside, and for a moment he daydreams about a real vacation.

“Sir, we’ve… tracked the location of where they’re headed.”

Fitz says carefully after the meal is almost done. Phil nods, as reassuringly as possible, and smiles. Fitz seems to light up a bit at that -Phil reminds himself that he might have freaked out his team by punching and screaming noise last night- and finishes his glass of orange juice. Phil clears his throat to get the team’s attention.

“Now that we know where our mission lies,”

Phil emphasizes the word ‘mission’ because he has to. He wants the team to believe that this is the mission, a simple mission to finish and go back to pick up wherever they left their personal lives.

“We need to form a plan. Unfortunately, we’re short on weaponary, money, intel, tech, well, anything useful. We’ve got to leave this place before FBI or HYDRA comes in to take us down. Only thing we’ve got is the location and a transport, but I assume the transport will be out of use soon. In summary, there is nothing we can really do now.”  
“But we’ll get him though, that’s what you said.”

Skye protests, sensing that this speech will possibly terminate everything that has been going on. Skye looks desperate and Phil knows that she’s hoping that there will be some miracle that they’re going to make everything okay.

“Yes, we will. So, we need to find someone who’s willing to back us up, give us everything we need.”  
“And who’s that?”  
“...An old friend.”

 

*

 

Phil’s not so excited like the rest of the team. He just watches the the cars passing by through the window. Trip, sitting next to him and driving the van given by Maria, catches his concern.

“What’s wrong, sir? You don’t look so thrilled to go see an old friend.”  
“Yeah. I never knew you were friends with Tony Stark.”

Skye looks a bit more relaxed than the breakfast, so Phil allows himself a smile.

“I was assigned to go research on how Stark escaped from kidnappers in Afghanistan.”  
“So you were there at the beginning of Iron Man? Wow, I knew you were cool, A.C., but not this much.”  
“You have no idea.”

He chuckles and looks at the backseat through the rear view. FitzSimmons, as always, is firing enormous scicence jargons at each other. Melinda is just watching out the window.

“I hope he doesn’t overreact.”

She says calmly. Phil sighs.

“What do you mean?”  
“...He still thinks I’m dead.”  
“That’s… not so good, is it?”  
“Let’s just hope I don’t have to tase him. Again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I started this fic, it was supposed to be angsty and sad and now it's just crack...see this is why I don't write multi chaptered ones damn it


End file.
